An office manager had money problems and had to fire an employee, either Jack or Jill… He thought he d fire the employee who came late to work. The next morning, both employees came to work very early. So the manager thought he would fire the first one who took a coffee break. Unfortunately, neither employee took a coffee break. Then the manager decided to see who took the longest lunch break – strangely, neither Jack nor Jill took a lunch break that day, they both ate at their desk. Then the manager thought he d wait to see who would leave work the earliest, but both employees stayed after closing. Jill finally went to the coat rack and the manager went up to her and said, “Jill, I have a terrible problem. I don t know whether to lay you or Jack off.” Jill said, “Well, you d better jack off, because I m late.
A Policeman was drilling 3 blondes, who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the 1st blonde a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. “This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?” The first blonde answers ” That s easy, we ll catch him fast because he only has one eye” The policeman says “Well…Uh.. that s because the picture shows his profile” Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second blonde and asked her “This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?” The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says “Ha! He d be easy to catch because he only has one ear!” The policeman angrily responds, “What s the matter with you two? Of course only one eye and ear are showing because it s a picture of his profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?” Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks “This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?” He adds quickly “….think hard before giving a stupid answer” The Blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says “HMMMM… the suspect is wearing contact lenses.” The policeman is surprised and speechless, because he really doesn t know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. “Well, that is a good answer.. wait here for a few minutes while I check his file, and I ll get back to you on that” He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect s file in his computer and comes back with a beaming smile on his face. “WoW! I can t believe it…it s TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contacts lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?” “That s easy” the blonde replied. “He can t wear glasses because he only has one eye and one ear!”
A blonde guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting. “What s up?” he says. “I m having a heart attack,” cries the woman.
He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he s dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says “Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted s hiding in your closet and he s got no clothes on!” The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor. “You rotten bastard,” says the husband, “my wife s having a heart attack, and you re running around naked, scaring the kids!”